Grief Guided Journey

What do I do with this grief that follows me throughout my day? I describe it as shock and longing. It hits me multiple times a day as his face pops up on my phone or something reminds me of him. I feel the shock. Is he really gone? For good? Then the longing follows. I am flooded with the deep desire to be with him again. These times often pop up at inconvenient times. During a preschool program, elementary school awards ceremony, even unpredictable holidays like Mother’s Day. I am usually caught off-guard. It comes with the loss of sharing these joyful times with the one who has always been there for the last 45 years. My best friend and husband.

Always the student, I find myself studying each aspect of what I am experiencing. It frustrates me when all the experts tell me that there is no “right” way to grieve. And what is the purpose of counseling? She can’t bring him back. No she cannot, but I have learned so much about this!

I have learned to welcome grief as my companion throughout the day. If I try to push it down, it will come up. As someone who mastered “numbing out” as a child, it feels like a major shift to allow grief to permeate my day. But taking the hand of that sorrow and loss feels right at this time. I will let it guide and teach me. I am already seeing the world with new eyes. There is something freeing about welcoming grief instead of avoiding it. It surprises me as I realize it has always been around me. I heard Curt Thompson say the other day that Jesus doesn’t want to get us through our grief. He wants to build a people who aren’t afraid of it. I am getting there.

Next I have learned the difference between grief and mourning. Grief I described above. It is internal. Mourning is the outward expression of grief. It helps with the healing as we share our sorrow. As believers, when we share our loss and suffering within community, God brings healing to us. Part of the healing I have experienced so far has been godly friends (and counselor) reflecting Jesus to me in their compassionate responses. I see Him in many of you as I pour out my heart.

Choosing to live authentically in my suffering while clinging to God are my only constants. But that has been complicated when it involves my kids. I would never do anything to hurt them, but being “real” in my sadness with them felt like I might pull them down. My counselor and others (including my kids) have helped me see that shared sorrow helps. It helps me and it helps them. No one wants to grieve alone. So we have joined together in honestly sharing our sadness and loss throughout these last few months. Sometimes we cry together. Grief, my constant companion, sits with us as we talk. We have grown comfortable with his presence.